My Exception
by AlinaLotus
Summary: For shinobi, transition should be as fluid as water. Then again the transition from best friends to...something else, was a course that never did run smooth, especially for Sakura and Kakashi.


**Part I Sakura: Where I Stood**

_'cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you_

_all I know is that I should_

_and I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you_

_all I know is that I should_

_you mean more to me than anyone I ever loved_

_at all..._

She didn't know why she thought she deserved him. In the grand scheme of things she was quite insignificant and could easily name a dozen women who were prettier, older, smarter, higher ranking- well, just more _everything_- than she was.

Sakura shook her head as she began heading home from the hospital. It had been years since she'd felt these kinds of insecurities, since Sasuke really, but now they seemed tenfold as, if she really thought about it, Kakashi meant so much more than Sasuke ever had and ever would. The familiar squeamish feeling twisting in her stomach, she tried to push those thoughts away.

But that was proving harder and harder these days. There wasn't much she could do or much she could say that wouldn't invariably lead her mind right back to her former sensei and current team leader. Sure it was wrong, and probably more than a little perverted.

And...the worst part was it turned her on. Well, _he_ turned her on. Of course, it was much more than the 'illicit' label that any intimacy outside the realm of professional or simple friendship that did it, but it surely helped the whole process along. Actually, though, she thought that might just be a cover of sorts. Easier to act like Ino on this front and narrow everything down to kink and sex and that would make it something familiar, because for a shinobi sex is nothing more than the job, even when pursued for one's own pleasure. No strings attached, of course, the trademark of any shinobi interaction of that kind.

That was the whole problem, really, and she thought that Ino had the right idea about not bothering with relationships, because then there were no feelings or attachments and least of all no regrets, and that's all she felt toward Kakashi these days and it was all one huge fucking bother. She didn't even want to think how their friendship would be ruined if she ever acted on these feelings. Over the years, as odd as maybe it seemed to everybody else, she'd grown close to Kakashi, and yeah, it had taken some time and some pushing but they'd moved on from their past as Team Seven together, and Sakura could honestly say that she regarded Kakashi as her best friend. Not quite, obviously, in the same way that Ino was her best friend, but in different ways and probably more meaningful ways.

Kakashi had been the one to put her back together after Sasuke, and then Naruto, had left. It'd been small things, in the beginning, like stopping by her apartment with a tin of tea or meeting her for extra training sessions while Tsunade and Shizune were busy with other things, but they had been important to Sakura and Kakashi knew it. She had sensed, as time passed, that their encounters were steadily becoming important to her former sensei as well. Kakashi had taught her to trust herself, to rely on nobody's strength but her own, and he'd shown her that, with his continued presence, not every man she cared about would leave her.

He was security, he was breathlessness and the smell of a midnight Summer breeze. Where Sasuke had been coolness, Kakashi was absolute warmth, was the realization that somebody out there truly had her back.

The street lamps towering above the sidewalk flickered, and Sakura sighed as she quickened her pace.

**oooo**

When she arrived home, there was a message from Ino on the answering machine, Ino's screech of it being "super fucking important, so call me! NOW!" causing Sakura to sigh again and pick up the phone as she went into the kitchen to start herself dinner.

Ino didn't wait for her to even say hello before going into an excited spiel about a civilian she'd met while working at the flower shop. He'd asked her out and he had a friend, and Sakura better not wear that stupid red thing she always did, and if she even thought about not putting on mascara Ino would personally kick her ass.

"I don't- " Sakura began, but Ino cut her off.

"And don't even pull that bullshit with me, Sakura. You're going out! It's been months since your last actual date, and you need to just...get over the fact that the one you're waiting for, isn't waiting for you."

And with that Ino hung up. Sakura slammed the phone down on the counter, hating that she was, yet again, being dragged into a blind date, hating that she was in a situation where Ino felt it necessary to drag her into a blind date. And she hated that Ino was probably...more than probably...right about Kakashi. Ino was the only person who knew about Sakura's secret feelings, and since finding out about them, Ino seemed to think it was the best course of action to try and get her friend out into the world, to show her that other men did exist, that they did matter.

It was just too bad Sakura couldn't agree.

**oooo**

"You can't keep doing this, Sakura! Punishing every guy you go out with for not being him!" Ino said, pulling off her shoes roughly and tossing them on the tiled floor of the entryway.

The date had not gone at all according to plan. Well, to Ino's plan, anyway. Sakura had indeed shown up in her usual garb, her hair hanging, as always, straight around her shoulders. She didn't have an ounce of makeup on, and at dinner, instead of following Ino's lead of offering to pay for her own modest meal, Sakura had ordered the most expensive dinner and topped it off with half a bottle of the restaurant's finest sake. She'd bailed to the bathroom when the check was dropped at their table, and when the time had come for goodbyes, Sakura had shaken the man's (whose name she didn't remember) hand and told him, frankly, not to call.

Ino had furiously shown up at her apartment half an hour later, probably after trying to do some damage control. Ino's date had gone rather well, but then that was Ino for you. She was a people person, and was very good at playing demure and pleasant. Ino could actually be anything to anyone, and it was the one trait of a kunoichi that Sakura rather lacked, though she'd never admit it.

Sakura opened her mouth furiously. "That's so- "

_True._

Ino had hit the nail on the head, as she usually did when it came to Sakura's personal life. It was so true and it was a self-destructive cycle, but one that Sakura didn't have any plans to change. It wasn't like she could help it, anyway.

"Don't even," Ino held up her hand. "I don't want to hear it. It's not fair, Sakura. It's not fair to yourself, and it's not fair to the guys who are interested in you. I mean, I get that you're wary about dating, who wouldn't be when they're in love with somebody else? But you also have to face reality." Ino looked bracingly into Sakura's face, gripping her shoulders. "It's never going to happen. Kakashi doesn't want you that way. It's...it's time to move on, Sakura." Ino's voice softened a bit, her blue eyes holding pity for her friend.

Sakura took a breath, then stepped of Ino's grasp. "That's so ridiculous, Ino. Excuse a girl for having standards. The last moron you set me up with spent the whole night complaining about his ex and then expected me to pick up the check! If reality is pathetic sex with even more pathetic guys, I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life. And civilians? Are you stupid? It's impossible to find anything to talk about with them!"

Ino sighed, though she hadn't really expected anything different from her friend. "Just...just remember, Sakura, that there's only one Kakashi. And you can't have him."

Which was really the whole problem in the first place. Sakura wasn't sure there was a solution that would make her happy, because any solution that was feasible wouldn't- couldn't- involve Kakashi.

And she'd learned well enough in the past few years that if Kakashi wasn't involved, she didn't want to be, either.

**oooo**

The next morning dawned cold and gray, matching Sakura's mood. It was her day off, and that meant the abhorred chores that she always left until they couldn't be ignored anymore, namely grocery shopping and laundry. Sakura grudgingly loaded her two hampers into large sacks and hauled it to the laundromat on the corner. If she was quick about it, though, she could have a few loads done and be back to continue her self-deprecating marathon in her room, in the dark, a bottle of rum within reach, in a few hours.

"Ah, Sakura-chan, couldn't spare a guy a few scoops of detergent, could you?"

_Kami. Am I being tested? What is this? WHY is this happening to me?_ "Kakashi-sensei, why are you doing your own laundry? You have a housekeeper, remember?" Sakura said, trying to force some cheer into her voice.

Kakashi's eye lingered on her face for a moment, as though he could see right past any facade she would throw up. Which he could. He knew her as well as Ino did, if not better in some aspects, and she'd been stupid, thinking she could fool him.

"Working late again?" Kakashi said, as he took Sakura's bags of laundry from her and put them on a washer next to his own.

"In a manner of speaking." Sakura conceded. It was ten- _a hundred_- times more difficult to deal with Ino and blind dates than working at the hospital, or even going on missions. "And you still haven't answered my question. What happened to your housekeeper?"

Kakashi scratched the back of his neck. "Eh...heh...apparently, I'm a lost cause. She's given up on me, I guess."

Sakura sighed. "This is what, the fourth one? Honestly sensei, it's almost like you don't want to live normally." Which was, of course, a bit hypocritical. She couldn't even handle the routine function of a date, so really, who was she to judge?

"Ah well. I'm sure I can find somebody else. In the meantime, you'll just have to deal with the man smell when you come over."

As if she'd protest to that. Kakashi's "man smell" wasn't like Naruto's or Sai's, which always left her thinking, for some reason, of the color brown. It was musky, sure, but there was always an underlying layer of pine, a scent that Sakura always associated with Konoha; with home. She loved going over to his place, and always felt somewhat special because he didn't let just anybody into his personal life, and his house was definitely an extension of that.

"Speaking of which, we still on for shogi tomorrow?" Sakura asked, hopping on top of the empty washer and pulling open a bag of her laundry.

"Er...I've been meaning to speak with you about that...I don't think I'll be able to make it." Kakashi said, his eye a happy crease.

"No prob, we'll just rain check it. Mission?" Sakura asked, separating her reds and whites.

"Sort of. I actually have a date."

Sakura's head snapped up, her eyes wide. Her stomach lurched, and her heart was in her throat. This...he was taking a woman out...he'd be close to her, maybe they'd hold hands and of course whoever this woman was would try and kiss him. Invariably, if she were attractive (and would she be anything else? Kakashi was, well, Kakashi, and had his pick of any woman), that would probably lead to something else...something more...

Sakura swallowed. "That's nice, Kakashi-sensei." She stood, not sure she could hold it in much longer. "Listen, will you just watch my stuff for a bit? I've...got a quick errand to run. I won't be long!" And before he could reply, she had bolted for the door.

**oooo**

Across the street and down the block, then three blocks, and finally she was on the outskirts of the training grounds, which were deserted because of the weather. She fell to her knees, pressing her fists into her eyes, but she didn't care about being strong anymore, not right now when Kakashi was running from her into another woman's arms...and maybe it was a bit (or a lot) dramatic, because it was only one date, and she'd been on countless...but Kakashi had always come first, and anyway she'd never had any interest in initiating anything with another man, and she could just picture the type of woman that had finally caught Kakashi's eye, that he'd gone out of his way to pursue.

It made her feel inadequate and unwanted to the last degree, and the worst part was she had no right to even feel this way, because Kakashi wasn't hers and had never been.

And as Ino so frequently reminded her, he never would be.

**oooo**

Sakura didn't make it back to the laundromat, not trusting herself to not burst into angry tears. She'd feed Kakashi some line about having to do something for Tsunade. It was believable enough, and Kakashi himself frequently said that if not for Sakura and Shizune, Tsunade would be nothing more than a bumbling drunk, gambling away the entire village's budget.

Instead, she spent the next few hours circling the tree cover around the training grounds, trying to think of nothing, while in fact only thinking of Kakashi finding complete and utter bliss in some unknown woman's arms. Was she smart? Pretty of course, but then how far could one get on being just pretty? And anyway, Kakashi had more sense than to go for just pretty. So she must be clever and funny, probably well off, maybe she had a high-ranking job...probably not a ninja, because if she was then Ino would have already heard about Kakashi's date, as she made it her business to know everything going on in the personal lives of their fellow shinobi. This is was just the sort of thing Ino would twist to use as proof that Sakura needed to, and desperately so, move on from her feelings and forget about being with Kakashi.

Really, she shouldn't even be feeling this way because she knew Kakashi deserved somebody who was all of those things. Somebody closer to his age, somebody feminine. A girl who cared more about how her clothes looked than how functional they were, who chose accessories like cocktail rings and glittery necklaces instead of kunai and shuriken and explosive tags. A girl who took the time to get ready, making sure her hair was perfect and her make-up applied just right. Looking back, Sakura couldn't say the last time she'd even bought make-up, let alone used any. Her hair was usually pulled back from her face in a headband, and she scarcely did more to it than just a simple wash and dry. She had dirt and usually some blood under her nails at the end of the day, and there'd been times on missions when a week would pass without the chance to take a shower.

Kakashi definitely deserved somebody more delicate, somebody who smelled like perfume instead of the antiseptic used at the hospital, somebody who could cook him a delicious meal instead of somebody who mostly lived off instant dinners because she'd been in surgery, elbow deep in various body cavities, most of the day.

He would want to touch and hold a woman who was soft, who had matured in the right places, who could fill out an expensive gown and seduce him properly. Sakura was too rough, muscular where she should be curvy, and while a woman worthy of Kakashi would have smooth, flawless skin, Sakura's was a map of her battles, scars scattered all over her body, inside and out, from taking lives and having lives taken from her. She was the farthest thing from a flirt, and wouldn't know how to act or be sexy if her life depended on it.

In other words, Sakura thought grimly as she eased from one tree branch to another, Kakashi deserved a woman who was the complete opposite of herself. In every way, Kakashi was the exception, her own exception. She couldn't be with another man, because her heart would never be whole in the hands of somebody else. With Kakashi in her life she was happy, even if it was a strangled feeling knowing he would never be close to her like she wanted, like she needed. Without him...Sakura could only shudder against the crushing feeling of emptiness at the thought of a life void of Kakashi.

She was his in a sense that went beyond anything Ino could understand. She didn't quite understand it herself, sometimes, but she'd learned that love was like that and besides, she trusted Kakashi without a doubt, without a hesitation.

If she could trust him with her life, like so she willingly did every mission, then she could trust him with her heart, even though that wasn't a choice in the first place.

**oooo**

When she arrived home she found the kitchen window open, and a basket full of her clean, folded laundry. A note was on the counter, Kakashi's untidy scrawl jumping out at her.

_Take it easy..._

_-K_

It had been thoughtful of him to do her laundry for her, and she'd have to thank him in some way. Gingerly, Sakura picked up the note, running the pads of her fingers lightly over the words. She knew him well enough to know from the tone of his words that he had wanted to say more, but what exactly that 'more' was she didn't know.

She carefully folded it up, and knowing that any logical person would chuck such a note in the bin, she stashed it between the pages of the nearest medical journal that was stacked by the sink.

Everything considered, and she'd had weeks- years, really- to consider it, she didn't know if it was possible for her to love another man, much less if she wanted to. Kakashi was her firm foundation, the one person she truly felt had a place forever in her heart. It went beyond her intimate feelings for him; he was a part of Team Seven, and those had been some of the best times of her life. Though he hadn't taken a personal interest in her abilities like he had Sasuke's, she still learned amazing things from him and she'd never forget the day when he truly went from 'teacher' to 'warrior' in her eyes.

In short, Kakashi was everything she wanted, everything she wanted to be with.

This was the path she had chosen to walk, and she'd known it from the beginning, that most likely she'd end up here, alone and heartbroken. She'd made her bed, and it was time she lay in it.

**Part II Kakashi- (I) Can't Do Better**

_And it's like my heart can't contain_

_and I fall in love every day_

_and I feel like a fool_

_I have to face the truth_

_that no one could ever look at me like you do_

_like I'm something worth holding onto_

_you can do better than me_

_but I can't do better than you_

It'd been hard to tell her about the date. Really, it shouldn't have been, because he knew that Ino drug her out with men all the time, but it was different on his end and he hadn't wanted to tell her that he had to give up spending time with her to spend time with another woman.

It was all Genma's fault, anyhow. The bastard was sick of Kakashi's excuses for not having any semblance of a bachelor's social life, and had decided that he'd set up him with a friend of a friend. A hot girl, Genma assured him, as if that really mattered to Kakashi. He didn't care (in fact, he hardly could stand them) for high-maintenance types, and that seemed to be Genma's forte.

Really, in Kakashi's eyes, a girl should worry more about what she could do than what she could look like. Make-up and slinky dresses were a waste of money and time, and any woman worth her salt could pull off just stepping out the shower and still look beautiful. Sakura managed it every day, anyway.

But then, it was a bit unfair of him to try and compare any other woman to Sakura. She was unique unto herself, capable and strong as steel and smarter than was good for her. She could make his heart pound with just her closeness, and he nearly salivated when he caught her scent, a mixture of jasmine and green tea.

She was a hardened solider, and she understood the shinobi way of life as well as any jounin and he loved her for it. He needed somebody like her, somebody to ground him. She'd been there when Team Seven had fallen apart, and they'd used each others strength when their own had failed. He'd never outright told her, but Sakura was the reason he could smile, was the reason he looked forward to another day.

After dealing with so much loss in his past, it was like salve over a burn to have Sakura in his life. She'd blossomed into an amazing medic, and he was always fascinated when she'd told him of what she could do, what she had done. Surgeries were her passion, and he'd caught her with her nose in a medical journal more than was probably normal. She was ambitious and worked her fingers to the bone for her village.

It was becoming more difficult to think and behave rationally around her. Many times he'd considered just leaning in and kissing her, to finally be able to taste her, to hold her close beyond their platonic embraces. He wanted to run his fingers through her hair, to feel her heart beat under his palm. He wanted her, everything she was, and it was entirely unfair because Sakura deserved everything he wasn't.

She deserved somebody younger, somebody whole. A civilian could give her a good life, could grant her a family. She'd never made any mention that she wanted that, and to his knowledge she'd never had a serious relationship, preferring to lose herself in her work and spend time with her friends. But still, Sakura was a woman and women had these sort of longings, didn't they? The fancy cake and a pretty ring, a husband to come home to.

He'd never wanted a family because he didn't want to take the chance of giving a child the life he himself had growing up. The pain of losing his father was something that never left him, and he wouldn't put a child through that. Besides, he loved the life he had. He was an asset to his village and he knew it, and he couldn't see himself giving that up to get married and have a family. There were other ways to be happy.

Though he wasn't much of that these days, of course. When he wasn't with Sakura, all he thought about was Sakura. As cold-hearted as it sounded, he had hoped that when she'd stormed off out of the laundromat, she'd done so because she was upset that he was going out with another woman. It was a long shot, but he'd never been one to give up hope, at least not where Sakura was concerned.

She couldn't possibly return his feelings, he knew that, but it didn't stop him from imagining waking up to her in the mornings, to memorizing her toned body, to caressing the scars he knew lay under her clothes, the scars that, both physically and mentally, so matched his own.

He'd dropped her laundry off, lingering in her apartment longer than was necessary in case she came through the door. Finally he'd just written her a note, though there was so much more he'd wanted to say, so many things he wanted to tell her.

But, as usual, he'd merely jotted down a few words, not revealing too much; never revealing too much.

He didn't know what was worse, the guilt he felt at hiding such a vital part of himself from Sakura, or the fear that if he did tell her, he'd lose her forever.

**oooo**

"You can't keep doing this to yourself, Hatake! It isn't healthy, it isn't normal!" Genma said, slamming his empty mug of beer on the bar top. "Fucking hell, you're a moron."

"Right back atcha." Kakashi said, tipping his shot of tequila into his mouth without sparing Genma a look. Last night's date had been a disaster from the beginning, when the woman Kakashi was supposed to be paired with, showed up even later than he did, and in a leopard print dress too tight for her. Her face was heavily caked in make-up, and she had been very touchy-feely from the moment Genma introduced them.

He'd been hard pressed to find anything they could talk about; she was a civilian, and worked in a lingerie store. "So you know, anything you want to see me in, tiger..." And she'd squeezed his thigh suggestively, clearly enjoying herself, while he was fighting the impulse to smash Genma's face into the nearest wall.

"That woman was a lunatic, and what the hell were you thinking? A civilian? What exactly are we supposed to talk about? I have nothing in common with civilian women, much less civilian whores, and you damn well know it!"

Genma rolled his eyes. "You're not so damn high and mighty, y'know. Wanting a girl half your age, a girl who used to be your student."

Kakashi sighed, signaling to the bartender to give Genma a refill. "If she were half my age, she'd be sixteen." Kakashi pointed out, as if that made him sound a bit better. A bit less...perverted.

Genma snorted. "Right, excuse me. Wanting a girl fourteen years younger than you, my bad. Sounds so much better that way, don't it?" Kakashi hadn't told Genma about his feelings for Sakura, but he'd known Kakashi well enough to understand that the signals were loud and clear, and he'd easily realized that Sakura was more than just a friend to Kakashi. Since that discovery, he'd been hell bent on turning Kakashi from the path that was, ultimately, only going to crush him in the end.

On some level, Kakashi appreciated Genma's concern, but at the moment, all he wanted to do was shove the nearest object down his throat.

"I assume there's a reason you're here." Kakashi said, a dull ache beginning to throb behind his eye.

Genma pulled out a manila envelope. "Details are in there. You report at O six hundred. And you're bringing your little girlfriend with you."

Before Kakashi could protest, Genma was out of his stool and sweeping from the bar.

**oooo**

"Hatake, what does my plaque say?" Tsunade sat in front of him, a poisonous smile on her face.

"You're not even hearing me out!" He said, throwing his hands up in frustration.

"Answer. The. Question." Tsunade said, her voice quiet and dangerous.

Kakashi sighed. "It says Hokage-sama."

Tsunade smiled again. "Very good. Which makes me, not you, the leader of this village. And mission assignments are a somewhat important factor of my responsibilities, and I don't take them lightly. When Suna calls, Kakashi, I want to send the best. Sakura, is the best. You don't think she can handle this?"

"This isn't about her abilities Tsuande, and you damn well know it! I don't disagree with you, Sakura is the best medic-nin I've seen in years. But she's never done an ANBU mission before, she'll be completely out of her league, and how am I supposed to lead this team when I'm worrying about her- "

"Here are those charts you wanted, shishou."

Kakashi dropped his head, sighing again, as Sakura slammed a stack of charts on Tsunade's desk.

"Thanks, Sakura." Tsunade said, glaring up at Kakashi.

"I'll be going now, so if you need anything else- "

Tsuande waved her hand dismissively. "Get some rest. See you in the morning for the briefing."

Sakura bowed, leaving the office without so much as acknowledging Kakashi's presence.

**oooo**

She was waiting for him, and he could feel her icy displeasure before she'd even said a word. "When another medic is called on an ANBU mission, I'm sure you don't underestimate their abilities, because the Hokage chooses them specifically." She said, cutting him off before he could begin to explain.

"I'm well aware of that." He replied, not for the first time cursing the events that lead to Tsunade leading Konoha.

"I get it, Kakashi-sensei, I really do. I'm...I've never been the best in your eyes. You had bigger fish to fry, what with Minato's son and an Uchiha on the team. I was the bottom of the totem pole, and I don't blame you for brushing me aside." Sakura swallowed thickly, as though this was hard to say, "but I've changed. Grown up and I think that if Tsunade wants to send me to Suna, you shouldn't disregard her judgement. I may not be good enough for you, but I'm good enough for her."

"Sakura, I- "

"That's all I wanted to say. I won't make you lose focus...I won't make you save me." And Kakashi knew she was long since past the stage in her life where she needed to be saved, and much less where she wanted to be. "I won't bother you anymore...I'm sorry if I've inconvenienced you in any way." Sakura made an apologetic bow. "So, goodnight, then. Goodnight, Kakashi-sensei."

**oooo**

She'd almost broken him with those words. "I won't bother you anymore." She'd never been a bother, the farthest thing from it, actually. Alright, he may have had to jump in a few times to help her out, but those were the old days and he would've done it for any of his students. Any of his comrades.

And how formal she'd been with him...never in their entire time of knowing each other had she treated him with such cool indifference. He couldn't stand the thought of her thinking he didn't trust her, that he didn't believe in her. That wasn't it at all.

It would be Sakura's very fist ANBU mission, and even if he didn't care for her like he did, he would've felt overly protective because he'd been there before, been the new guy and these missions were dangerous and lethal on levels you didn't know about unless you'd been there before.

He'd be worrying about her not because of her lack of skill, but because he'd rather die than let any harm come to her. Team leaders should feel this way about every member of the team, should divide their attentions equally between each person, and he knew he wouldn't be capable of doing that. He'd focus on Sakura and her safety would be his top priority. He wouldn't be able to remain objective, as he should be, and it wasn't fair to the rest of the team.

But mostly, he felt that it wasn't fair to him. It wasn't fair to have him in a position where he wouldn't be able to just have her back, because the whole team was his responsibility. It wasn't fair because he'd keep her the farthest he could from harm, which meant her staying out of the action, and she'd hate him for it. Just because she was a medic didn't mean she couldn't fight, as she constantly complained to him, and didn't her strength mean anything? She was a master at controlling her chakra, and though he'd never admit it, it gave him a lot of comfort on missions to know that she was paired with him.

This time, though, was different. This time, he had to be more than a team leader, he had to be more than Sakura's teammate. He knew realistically he'd never be able to completely put aside his feelings for her, even though that was the first and foremost rule of the shinobi. He was going to have to step up, push on, and whatever other cliche advice he could give himself.

**oooo**

"It makes sense!" Genma said, jabbing his thumb behind them.

Kakashi glared at him through his mask, once more cursing Tsunade. He had a sneaking suspicion that she'd only put Genma on this assignment because Sakura would be there, and Tsunade seemed to have gleaned that Sakura was something more than just a friend or previous student to Kakashi. What he couldn't figure out was if Genma was there for his benefit or for Sakura's.

"It's protocol and you're being an idiot." Genma said, folding his arms across his chest. Well, Kakashi couldn't argue with those statements. It was protocol to have the medic and another comrade or two back up the first team...as a medic's primary goal was to heal and not fight, staying out of ambush range was the best approach to any mission.

But Kakashi was hard pressed to let Sakura out of his sight, and as team leader, he had no choice but to be part of the first squad, and with his sense of smell he was most beneficial up front anyway.

Aside from Genma, Kakashi was overall pleased with the team. It consisted of himself, Shikamaru, Sai, and Sakura. The mission was pretty simple, in itself. They would be delivering some important top-secret documents to the Kazekage, then escorting his sister back to Konoha. Really, Kakashi didn't see a need for ANBU to take care of this. It was more a genin mission, in his opinion, but Tsunade wanted the best for Suna, so here they were.

But even so...there was still a nagging worry at the corner of his mind, a feeling of foreboding about stepping out of the village gates. Not so much because of any enemy that might attack them, but because once out of their village, Sakura was his subordinate and any interaction with her must be kept on a professional level, and he didn't know if he could trust himself to do that.

He didn't know if could trust himself to do anything, actually.

"Listen, leader, if we don't get going we're not gonna make it anytime soon. I'll fall back, and who's going with me?" Sakura said, stepping in front of Sai. While everybody was masked, it was easy to tell everybody apart, and Kakashi bit his lip as he took in Sakura's outfit. She wore skin-tight black pants that tucked into boots that went to her knees, and the typical white tunic. The usual gloves she wore when she was in battle were in place, and her hair was pulled into a braid that hung down her back.

Kakashi's gaze lingered on the ends of her braid as he considered who he most trusted to protect her, aside from himself.

"Sai. You and Sakura back us up." Sai nodded, and turned, ready to flit off into the trees.

He could see a hint of jade through the slit in the eyes of her mask, and he stood there, his eyes on Sakura and her eyes on him. He moved forward, as if to touch her, but Genma cleared his throat loudly and Sakura whirled away, following after Sai.

Kakashi watched them go, an uncomfortable feeling settling in his stomach.

**oooo**

Sakura followed Sai until he came to a stop in a cluster of old pine trees, perching himself on a thick branch. They would wait a while, and then follow the rest of the team's tracks. He peered over at Sakura, who though was usually focused when it came to missions, seemed to be unusually quiet.

"Forgive me for saying this, Sakura-chan, but according to a new book I read...well, it states that when one person cares deeply on a romantic level for another, they often stare longingly at that person. Those words reminded me of the way you were just looking at Kakashi-senpai. Actually, I've seen you look at him in that certain way for a long while now."

"Well, I guess that makes two now." Sakura mused.

Sai smiled. "I'm quite sure that Genma-senpai is aware as well, but as to whether he thinks you care for Kakashi-senpai or that Kakashi-senpai cares for you, I'm not certain."

Sakura clicked her tongue. "Since it's impossible for Kakashi to want me, it's gotta be the first one. I know I'm pretty obvious, according to Ino anyway."

Sai looked at her for a moment, his face impassive, as always. Finally, he asked, "What is it like, Sakura-chan? To love somebody you feel could never love you back?"

Sakura closed her eyes, letting the sun warm her neck. She inhaled, the scent of the trees all around her, screaming Kakashi, screaming comfort and warmth and butterflies in her stomach. "It...it's like you're homesick for a place that doesn't exist."

"So it's a location, but an imaginary one? It isn't real?" Sai looked confused. His problem usually was he took things much too literally, which made for some lengthy explanations on Sakura's part. But really, she didn't mind. Sai was one of her boys and she may scream and throw a few punches every now and then, but he was as good as her brother, just like Naruto was.

"Well...it's real to me." Sakura said quietly, opening her eyes and pulling out a few pine needles off the branch above her head.

"It all seems so..." Sai paused, searching for the right word.

"Pointless?" Sakura threw in. "I know. I know it' so stupid of me. Logically, anyway. There's no way somebody like him would want somebody like me."

Sai smiled. "I was going to say it all seems so painful. And yet...you look so happy, Sakura-chan. When he's near."

Sakura matched Sai's smile. "Yeah...yeah I am."

"So then if you're happy, it's not pointless at all, is it?"

Sai was right. Ino may not understand, hell _she_ may not fully understand, but this was the point she had been trying to make all along. Despite what they could never be, Kakashi made her happy like no other man could. She loved him, and only him. That wasn't going to change, not even if she could never call him hers. Just being in his life was enough, just having him say her name and make time for her, even if it was only as a former student, as a colleague. It was enough because Kakashi was _more_ than enough.

"Thanks, Sai. For understanding." Sai squeezed Sakura's hand, wondering if he should tell her that their conversation hadn't been entirely private.

**oooo**

They stopped for camp, Sakura and Sai liaising with the rest of the team for their evening meal and to help secure their perimeter. Genma and Shikamaru scouted around while Sai started a small fire to cook their food, leaving Kakashi and Sakura to set the two tents they had up alone.

Kakashi had to be, at least for now, grateful for Genma's presence on this mission, because more often than not Genma had picked up his slack today. His mind had been entirely elsewhere, torn between what he knew, what he felt, and still more guilt for the whole situation. Finally, when the sun began to fall behind the trees, Kakashi had decided it was time to stop for the night. Genma gave him a sharp look but didn't stop him when he fell back into the tree cover to meet Sai and Sakura.

Seeing Sakura for the first time in hours, it was all Kakashi could do to not cross the clearing and pull her roughly into his arms. Knowingly, Sai picked up his pace and allowed the two some semi-private time, in which they really did nothing more but, each unknowing to the other, soak up each others presence. Though he wanted to say more, to do more, when they reached the area where the rest of the team had started unpacking their camp, Kakashi tugged lightly on Sakura's braid.

"I'm glad you're safe, Sakura." He hoped she could hear the unspoken words. His hand lingered on her hair, longer than could be considered platonic, but she didn't seem to mind.

"You too." She said, dropping her gaze from his face. "I'll...I'll get started on the tents." With an enormous effort, Sakura moved away from the gentle warmth of Kakashi's hand and turned her back on him, squeezing her eyes shut with the dullness of the ache that went through her at the loss of his touch.

**ooooo**

After the tents were up and dinner under way, Genma, who had been talking in a low voice with Sai and a bored-looking Shikamaru, tossed Sakura a large pot. "Fill this at the river, would ya?"

Sakura caught the pan with one hand, and nodded. "Be right back." She said to no one in particular. Kakashi had disappeared inside one of the tents to make a mission report to send back to Konoha with Pakkun, and she'd been feeling antsy ever since they'd met up with the alpha team anyway. The river was a kilometer or so away from the camp, and it would feel good to be doing something, to put her mind to a task.

**oooo**

"So you just let her go by herself?" Kakashi was sure he was two seconds away from a heart attack.

"I didn't let her, I told her to." Genma said without looking up from his bowl of noodles. "It's just getting some water. Figured she could scream if she started drowning."

Shikamaru started to laugh, but closed his mouth when he saw the look on Kakashi's face. "Just go get her if you're so worried. This is why women shouldn't be allowed on missions. They're so troublesome."

"Have you discussed this viewpoint with Temari-san?" Sai broke in, which shut Shikamaru up even further.

"You're all useless! I'm going to put in for your immediate removal from missions the second we get back to Konoha. Don't be surprised if you're licking the genin's boots for the rest of your careers."

Kakashi whirled away from the three men and all-but flew off into the trees.

"He's so sensitive." Shikamaru complained as she tossed a few sticks into the fire.

"What do you expect? The idiot's in love with her, and help us all, I think she might like him back. They just need to fuck and be done with it."

"I think if it were just about sex he wouldn't be so..."

"Distracted?"

"Exactly."

"True. That's how you used to be, until you and Temari started...doing whatever it is you do."

Shikamaru's face flushed, and as he said no more, that seemed to be all anybody needed to hear.

**oooo**

"I don't even know what you were doing, going off alone! Didn't you think, for one second?"

Sakura glared, shifting the pot of water from one hip to the other. "It's just water, Kakashi! It wasn't like I was diving head first into a battle. And even if I was, I can take care of myself! What is it with you lately? Do you not trust me anymore?"

Kakashi's grimace softened. "It's not that. Of course I trust you." It was himself he didn't trust. If something happened to her...

"Then why the doubt? You never had trouble sending me off on my own before. In fact, I seem to recall you begging for somebody- anybody- to take me on as a student so you could be with your precious Sasuke. How'd that one turn out, by the way?" So it was a low-blow and she knew it, but she was getting sick of this. If he truly didn't think she should be out here, that she wasn't a talented enough shinobi, he needed to come out and say it. She couldn't stand not knowing what he was really thinking.

"Is that why you're mad? Even after all this time? Because I didn't pay enough attention to you when you were a kid?" Before the words were out of his mouth he knew he had hit her in a sore spot. The hurt in her eyes was enough to drop him right there. "Why, Sakura? Why are you so bitter about me training Sasuke? Why does it matter that I paid more attention to him?"

Sakura threw the pot of water at the ground, splattering them both with bits of mud. "Fine, Hatake. You want the truth? It matters because I loved you! Because I still do. Don't you get it? I needed you then, I needed you because you were my hero. And now...now you're still that. But I don't need you to save me, to protect me. I can do those things for myself. But I want you with me...I want you to look at me like I mean something to you, that I'm more than just a former student, like I'm more than just a friend! I would have done anything back then to have the attention you gave to Sasuke...I still would do anything! Everybody thinks I loved him, that I wanted him...but it was you, Kakashi-sensei. It's always been you. And you...you don't even see me."

So there it was, bared out for the world to see, and there was no going back. Sakura wondered how long she could have kept this all to herself anyway, and even if the worst happened, she at least had the burden of being secretly in love with her best friend off her chest.

"So what you said before...it's true."

"Before?" Sakura looked up, confused.

"Earlier...with Sai."

"But how did- " Her confusion turned to anger. "Kakashi! You were listening? Damn you and your clones. That was a private conversation, you ass!"

But Kakashi couldn't feel properly ashamed. Sakura enraged was one of the most adorable sights he'd ever seen, even when the rage was directed at him, and he was elated- more than- at knowing she really had been telling the truth about him.

"You just wipe that stupid smirk off your face sensei, or I swear to the Hokages that I will!" She stepped toward him, raising a fist, but he swooped on her, pulling her into him with lightning quick speed.

Finally to be here, to hold her like this, not as friends or as teacher and student, but as somebody who loved her, loved him in return...he could truthfully say that he never expected to be able to do so. That she would never know of his feelings, of his true feelings, of his private feelings.

"Genma knows, doesn't he?" Sakura murmured against his chest.

"Knows what?"

Sakura hesitated for a second, then pulled herself away enough that she could look up into his face. "That you love me."

Kakashi nodded slowly. "He figured it out quite some time ago. I...haven't been entirely truthful with you."

"Guess I could say the same." She shrugged.

"How long?" Kakashi asked, his eye focused on Sakura's lips. Any second now, he'd be table to taste them...any second, and he'd kiss her, their first kiss and how many times had he fantasized about just this?

"Who can say? Years. Before that. The first time I saw you. Does it matter?"

Kakashi smirked. "I guess not. Now we just have to- "

"Oi, Kakashi-sensei! Sakura-chan!"

Sakura and Kakashi whirled around in unison. There was no way it could him, no way that voice could really be what they were hearing. Not now, not when they were so close to becoming what they each wanted so desperately to be.

"What are you guys doin anyway? C'mon, I can smell food!"

"Naruto, what the hell are you doing here?" Sakura screeched, grabbing him by his sleeve.

"Easy on the threads Sakura!" Naruto whined, batting her hand away. "Sheesh. I just got back from a mission with Hinata, Kiba, and Shino. Granny said you guys were all dispatched, and that she thought it would probably be best for both you and Kakashi-sensei if I showed up, so here I am!"

Kakashi and Sakura hurriedly glanced at each other, their faces reflecting the same thing; horrified anger at a certain busty, all-knowing Hokage.

Somewhere in the depths of Hokage Tower, Tsunade shared a laugh with Jiraiya, who poured each of them another shot of sake and agreed that everybody's favorite knucklehead would indeed piss off Sakura and Kakashi, and serves them right for waiting for so long to admit how they really felt. Idiots! Tsunade was surrounded by idiots. Across the table Jiraiya grinned at her, and Tsunade felt somewhat grateful that her favorite idiot still came back to her, even after all these years.

**oooo**

The mission could not end fast enough. Once to Suna, the team disbanded to pursue their favorite spots in the desert town. Naruto was invited by Gaara and the Elders to attend their meetings, a diplomatic gesture that would become, when Naruto became Hokage, a norm, everybody was sure. Shikamaru disappeared into Temari's apartment and nobody saw him until they left Suna three days later. Genma and Sai, both fond of the local drink and the local women, appointed Kankuro as their guide, and the three were seen even less than Shikamaru (except when Kakashi and Gaara had to bail them out of jail. The details of the arrest, in which Genma and Sai were both inebriated far more than anybody in Suna had ever seen, and Kankuro was heard to be sapping on about a certain blonde teammate of Shkarmaru's, were still a little unclear).

It was on the first night that they were there, under the full moon and the cool escape of the day's heat, that Kakashi and Sakura were able to finally see each other. They'd been given rooms at the hospitality of the Kazekage, and after showering and putting on clean clothes, each felt more like themselves.

Kakashi knocked nervously on her door, and she flung it open, grabbing him roughly by the collar and pulling him into her room. There were no preliminary words, no soft caresses or long looks. Sakura pushed Kakashi's mask out of the way, tore his headband off, and standing on the tips of her toes, kissed him. She kissed him like she had always wanted to- like they were the only two people in the world, like nothing mattered but this moment.

Kakashi wanted to memorize her, to remember with perfect clarity everything about this. He'd waited so long to find somebody, to find that missing part of himself that he knew would make him whole. He'd found that in Sakura, many times over, and there was no way he could ever let it go now. There would be challenges, of course. He was sure not everybody would look so kindly on a former teacher dating a former student, and though to him their difference in age was trivial, others would find it quite an impenetrable barrier. None of that mattered, though, because Sakura was his strength and from the way she was melting against him, he knew she felt the same.

She pulled away from him, taking a long breath, her heart pounding. "I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to do that."

"So why didn't you?" He asked with a chuckle.

"I'm much too meek to make a bold move like that." Sakura shrugged, then grinned. "And anyway, right back atcha."

"Ah, fair enough. You were...are...so whole. So young. I didn't want to take that from you."

"And now?" Sakura questioned, searching his eyes. It registered to him, now, that Sakura was one of the few people who could look unflinchingly into his Sharingan.

"Now...you're still those things. But I can't live a lie anymore. It was killing me."

Sakura nodded. "Me too. I almost feel bad...every guy Ino would set me up with, they were miserable at the end of the night. I couldn't stand them. Couldn't stand them for not being you."

"And what do you think Ino will say now?" Kakashi gestured between them.

"She'll finally have to eat her words. Ha! I can't wait to see the look on her face. What about Genma?"

Kakashi smirked. "Oh, he too will get to eat his words soon enough. And now, my dear Miss Haruno, would you do the honor of accompanying me out on the town?"

"Are you asking me out on a date?"

"Of course. If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it right. You're going to date me, and I'm going to date you. And I'm sure we'll eventually end up living together...we can argue over why I don't rinse my dishes before putting them in the dishwasher, and why you never fold the towels right. We'll spend the nights watching your favorite cleaning programs, and then my favorite sketch comedies, and we'll argue some more over which show is more stupid. And then there will be the begging, the pleadings, of marriage. After a few years of growing tired of the constant asking, I might say yes."

Sakura shoved him hard in the shoulder, but she was laughing. "You have this all planned out, do you?"

Kakashi lifted up his hands. "You leave me no choice. I'm a very all-or-nothing kind of guy, Sakura _dear_."

Sakura rolled her eyes. "I know,_ darling_. Now shut up and kiss me."

**A/N: uhhh...well, there you have it. My first KakaSaku of 2012, and the first in a long time, actually. I hope you enjoyed it. Feedback is, as ever, appreciated! Lyrics are from Where I Stood by Missy Higgins, and You Can Do Better Than Me by Death Cab For Cutie.**


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